I’m delighted to welcome Jayne Leonard of Vive Counselling back. We’re talking about self care with ADHD and connecting with your Inner Queen or Inner King - that most empowered, deserving part of ourselves in order to be of service.
You might remember Jayne from Episode 28 where she helped me reframe cooking from chore to self care.
Today, we’re diving into another self care idea from my book, 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-Care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing: Self-care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing
Connecting with your Inner Queen or King
Both Jayne and I were diagnosed with ADHD in 2024 and while this conversation may be especially relatable for other late diagnosed ADHD adults, the ideas can benefit anyone.
And Half Moon (free subscribers) and Full and Super Moon members of the Sole to Soul Circle will be receiving bonus content and deeper dives on Wednesday and Thursday.
Being a democratic socialist while also appreciating my (and others’) inner sovereignty
This year, I’ve deepened my connection to my Inner Queen, which has helped me better understand and embrace how my brain works.
Connecting with my Inner Queen helps standing tall and moving towards what I want in life.
It’s not about being above anyone else but about drawing strength to be of service. Jayne shared her connection with her ‘boss self’, inspired by her four-year-old’s natural comfort and ease in her own power.
We discussed how societal messages, particularly for women and girls, can make empowerment seem like ‘being bossy’.
Jayne highlighted the mindset shift involved in stepping into power. Whether presenting to a group or having a client conversation, she notes how being in her empowered state changes everything.
It’s a reminder that confidence can be part of self and Self care, especially for those of us with ADHD who’ve internalised messages of being ‘too much’.
Jayne and I discussed the importance of respect, both for others and ourselves. Respect isn’t about hierarchy; it’s about recognising the inherent worth in everyone—including yourself. For those of us who felt silenced or different growing up, reclaiming our voice and self-respect is a radical act of empowerment.
le grá (with love),
TRANSCRIPT
diva like, or you're getting that you’re being bossy. Bossy was a word I heard a lot.
You know, but really it's just, I'm actually just making my voice heard. I'm actually just meeting my needs.
And that's not to say you're trampling on anyone else's needs, but you're
absolutely, absolutely, absolutely.
Hi, I'm Eve Menezes Cunningham and welcome to the Feel Better Every Day Podcast. I am so excited to be sharing new trauma informed and ADHD friendly ideas for you to help you take better care of your Self – that highest, wisest, truest, wildest, most joyful, brilliant and miraculous part of yourself, as well as the basic self-care which we all know can be so challenging at times. I really appreciate you tuning in. If you want a deeper dive, you'll be getting bonus content each week. Sign up to the Sole to Soul Circle. You can do that for free or from as little as €8.00 a month. And you can also find more ideas in the book, 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing.
Do you ever feel like you're being too much and you either consciously or maybe unconsciously, like a default, disempower yourself? If so, this episode, where I have the lovely Jayne Leonard joining me again, is about connecting with your Inner Queen or Inner King, and I hope that you enjoy it as much as we enjoyed recording it.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you so much for joining me again, Jayne.
Thank you for having me.
So Jayne has become a friend. We met through the Irish Journal of Counselling and Psychotherapy Editorial Committee, and she's brilliant. You might have heard her Episode 28 on cooking as self-care.
And today we thought we would talk about one of the self-care ideas in the book, 365 Ways to Feel Better, Self-Care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing, around connecting with your Inner King and Queen. And basically, both of us have ADHD. We were both diagnosed in 2024.
And it's been such a steep learning curve for me. Jayne has helped me enormously. And I thought maybe us talking around some of the self-care concepts I'm sharing might help you, whether you have ADHD or not.
So today, we're talking about the idea of that inner sovereignty, and especially with ADHD. I know myself, I'm 49 now. And I've been connecting with my Inner Queen for many years on and off, but especially this year, as the greater understanding I have, the greater awareness I have around how my brain works, is helping me be less dismissive of many, many things I do.
I still laugh at myself very much. But I also empower myself much more. And thinking also in terms of neurodivergence, and social justice, and a sense of fairness, and all these things that have always been really important to me.
Like even when I say Inner Queen, I mean that part of yourself, that sovereign, that part of you, that whatever it is you want in life, you can stand tall, you can move towards it. Politically, I'm more of a democratic socialist, like I don't think anyone is above anyone else.
But when I connect with that kind of queen energy, and just thinking, like last night, I can stay up late and get my bookkeeping sorted, even though I'm scared of numbers, I can do these things.
So I wanted to just have a bit of a chat with Jayne around this idea, and how we both resource ourselves and empower ourselves with ADHD and in general.
So yeah, so when you when you say Inner King or Queen, at first, I said, Oh my gosh, what is this? I don't understand. But when I thought about it, I absolutely know what you mean.
I just call it a different name. I think I kind of see it as almost me being my full adult empowered self versus maybe my, my child self a little bit, a little bit more vulnerable, a little bit more hesitant. And lately, I think I've been calling it kind of more like I'm stepping into my boss self, because my four year old, she puts her two hands on her hips and says, I'm the boss.
And it just kind of pictures when I look at her, that's kind of how I feel when I step into kind of my full power. I love that so much, empowered by a four year old, because it is that connection that she still has, and hopefully will keep that so many of us lose as we get socialised.
So we, we get disconnected from that inner power. So, yeah, I think we start to see it as almost a bad thing at times. And I'm not sure if that's more in women and girls than it is. Yeah.
And but it's definitely almost a sense of, you know, oh, you're getting a bit like diva-like, or you're getting a bit bossy.
Bossy was a word I heard a lot. You know, but really, it's just, I'm actually just making my voice heard. I'm actually just meeting my needs. And that's not to say you're trampling on anyone else's needs, but you're...
Absolutely, absolutely. And I think that's what I really liked when I first came across the idea of an Inner Queen, it being the leadership to serve, rather than to corrupt, or to like, kind of take, but very much drawing on your strength and resources to be of service from a wholehearted way.
And that has to start with self care and self love. So knowing that you're worthy. Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, a queen expects to be cared for. So we do, we have to care for ourselves. And yeah, that's, but even stepping into that power is in itself an act of self care.
Absolutely. Like, when you know you need to speak up for yourself, or do, like, even thinking, like, I was thinking today, I've had for the past however many months since I read James Clear's Atomic Habits, when I say when I read, since I read most of James Clear's Atomic Habits, and I wrote in chalk on some of my internal doors, and I wrote on the side of my medicine cabinet, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU REALLY LOVED YOURSELF? DO THAT. Because it just felt, and that to me is connecting with that Inner Queen energy, like kind of whether it comes to lighting candles before a bath, or eating something nourishing, as opposed to something fast, or like a gazillion choices we make.
His point is, it's those daily habits, those tiny habits, each habit, each action, each behaviour, we're voting for the kind of person we want to become. So again, connecting with that kind of queen or king energy, helping you recognise the power, helping us all recognise the power we have with the tiniest of decisions. Yeah, and I think actually when you say recognising, that's part of it for me, is that I can still be doing the same thing. So I might be giving a presentation, or just having a conversation with the client, but it's that state of mind that determines where I am.
So sometimes I can be doing it and second guessing myself, because I'm in my child state, or whatever. But then when I actually step into my full power, I realise, oh no, I actually am doing a good enough job, you know. But I think it's that mindset of, well you shouldn't be too confident, or you shouldn't be too sure of yourself.
And I suppose that was a lot of messages you get, especially when you've ADHD, you get that a lot, those messages a lot as a kid.
Yeah, and I'm thinking when I was growing up, like especially by my late teens, early 20s, where I kind of became more aware of stuff. My role models were people like Alice Walker and Gloria Steinem, and much older women who seemed very much in their power, but in a real amazing activist kind of way.
Whereas now I have much younger role models like Beyoncé and Taylor Swift, and like Greta [Thunberg], I've forgotten her last name. But so many young girls and women, and boys and men, and people of all genders, but being their whole selves. But I think especially with younger women and girls, because I remember being so socialised, to not be bossy.
I was an older sister
I am an older sister as well, and I was a terrible older sister, my poor little brother. But the idea, it's not valued those same qualities in the same way. And yet the older I get, the more I recognise, it's like there was something about respect the other day on a meme, and how if you see respect as something that people owe you, as you an authority, as opposed to just that everyone deserves respect, then you expect someone else to respect you as an authority before you'll even respect them as a human, as a person.
And it's like, oh my god, that explains so much about what's going on. Everyone deserves respect. Everyone has that power.
I think with the internet, there's a lot of bad stuff, but also more and more people finding their voices. And I'm ADHD ConvoCoaster stuff. Have you heard that meme? No.
Oh yeah, that's just standard ADHD conversation.
No, that's how they go. Yeah.
So, yeah, just the respect stuff, I suppose. That is, it's even back to like the self-respect, just give yourself the respect to have your voice heard. And, you know, because I think a lot of the time we do give, well, I don't know, from my point of view, I would give other people the respect and I would say, oh, they deserve this.
But, you know, it is working extra hard to do that for myself because of maybe a lot of feeling weird or different or strange when I was younger and silencing myself. Yeah. I think you're saying that I went to a VDay conference (VDay.org) in NYC when I first went freelance 2004. So my first ever press conference was with, I got to meet Gloria Steinem but she had to leave but Eve Ensler, Sally Field, Jane Fonda, Elizabeth Lesser… It was amazing. We had activists from around the world, but they had a couple of like media titans who I didn't know because I'm not American, but Pat Mitchell and Pat Black.
But in their session, they were talking about how it's really important in every meeting for especially if you're a woman to speak up no matter what it is you say, just like you say, like getting your voice heard. And I think from an early age, I was always good at speaking up, but like my mother would call me the fool, like in the Tarot deck, like that kind of, and I would do it. And I remember when I was an undergrad, it was kind of like I'd say something stupid in a tutorial to empower and embolden my peers to say something sensible.
And it's probably taken until my late 40s to recognise it's all very well speaking up and being silly, but actually speaking up from a more empowered way as well. There's almost like a rescuing there. No, but I love what we've been talking about so far.
And there's going to be a bit of bonus content for free subscribers to the Sole to Soul Circle and then a deeper dive for Full Moon and Super Moon members. So if you're not already a member, you can subscribe for free or as a paid member at evemc.substack.com. But for now, I'd just like to say thank you so much, Jayne. That's been amazing.
Thank you, Eve.
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Feel Better Every Day Podcast. If you'd like to subscribe and haven't already, you can do so via your favourite podcasting app. I also appreciate all comments and questions. If you've got any suggestions for future episodes, anything you'd like answered, let me know. And this episode, like all episodes, has been produced by me, your host, Eve Menezes Cunningham. Next week we're working with the Irish Goddess Brigid. It's become a bank holiday here in Ireland honouring the Goddess Brigid and St Brigid. So working with the Divine Feminine and some little rituals to support you in working with the seasonal energies.
I hope you have a gorgeous week.
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