You’re Not Alone in the Dark: Episode 68 of the Feel Better Every Day Podcast

Watch or listen wherever you get your podcasts

Inspired by an interview I did for BACP, it covers:

• A recent NHS survey finding that 1 in 4 people have felt suicidal (and why it's likely more)

• How working with your body can help lift you out of despair

• What to say (and not say) when someone is struggling

• Creating a world worth living in - for yourself and others

If you're struggling right now, please remember you deserve help. You deserve joy. You deserve to not just stay alive but to thrive.

This is episode 68 of the Feel Better Every Day Podcast - trauma-informed and VAST/ADHD-friendly Self and self-care to help you create a life you don’t need to retreat from.

💜 You matter. Your life matters. You're not alone.

Feel Better Every Day! Learn from the self and Self* care practices the professionals depend on.

With a mixture of solo and interview episodes, your host, Eve Menezes Cunningham (author of 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing) shares trauma-informed and VAST / ADHD-friendly self and Self* care ideas to help you:

• Feel Better (regulate your nervous system and do the things that help you create a life you don’t need to retreat from)

• Be Better (accept yourself completely with love, compassion and kindness – you don’t need to do a thing) and

• Do Better (turn what hurts your heart into action to support your family, organisations, communities and the world at large)

Thanks for watching.

New episodes come out every Tuesday morning (Ireland time) and if you subscribe (via your favourite podcasting app or by joining the Sole to Soul Circle), you’ll be notified about each new episode.

Sole to Soul Circle members get deeper dives each Wednesday morning.

WANT TO WORK WITH ME?

• There’s the book – 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing – and all the book bonus videos.

• All the free resources (for trauma, ADHD, menopause, solopreneurs, anxiety, sleep, confidence, resilience, finding purpose, meaning and joy and more) across my platforms and the library of self-care ideas and practices at https://selfcarecoaching.net

• You can join the Sole to Soul Circle on Substack (https://evemc.substack.com ) and get bonus interviews and content specially designed to help you dive deeper into each week’s theme.

• If you want to support my work but don’t want to commit to a membership, even for a month, you can choose any amount at https://ko-fi.com/evemc

• While my private practice for one to one work (trauma-informed and ADHD-friendly therapies, Self care coaching, clinical supervision and supervisor’s supervision) is almost always at capacity, if you’re based in Ireland or the UK, it’s still worth completing the short form at https://selfcarecoaching.net/contact to book your free telephone consultation in the hope that we can find a mutually convenient time to work together.

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You can find me almost everywhere – please say ‘Hi’ and share your questions or comments:

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And if you’d like to leave a review and/or rate this and other episodes you’ve enjoyed, your feedback and support helps me help more people (of all genders) with trauma histories and/or ADHD take better care of their whole selves and create lives they don’t need to retreat from.

CHAPTERS

(0:02 – 1:13) Introduction to the episode and podcast

(1:14 – 2:32) Suicidal thoughts are more common than you think

(2:33 – 4:00) Personal experience with suicidal thoughts

(4:01 – 5:18) Systemic factors and lack of support

(5:19 – 6:38) Why “just talk to someone” isn’t always easy

(6:39 – 7:32) You are worthy of help and support

(7:33 – 8:44) Simple physical actions to shift your state

(10:15 – 11:33) Acceptance and sitting with painful emotions

(12:46 – 13:56) Let yourself dream of something better

(13:57 – 15:10) Noticing everyday acts of kindness

(15:11 – 16:14) Being part of a solution without pressure

(16:15 – 17:24) Journaling and energetic support practices

(17:25 – 18:18) Suicide in stories and lived experiences

(18:19 – 18:54) Encouragement

RESOURCES

• Samaritans helpline Samaritans.org/ireland

• Pieta House (Ireland) pieta.ie

• textaboutit.ie/suicide

• Mood lifting and heart-opening yoga poses at selfcarecoaching.net/book

• Join the Sole to Soul Circle: evemc.substack.com

Crisis Support: If you're having suicidal thoughts, please reach out immediately to your local emergency services, GP or crisis helpline.

DISCLAIMER

The content I share is not a replacement for one to one trauma therapy (etc). While you can do an enormous amount to support yourself, please always seek appropriate medical advice.

Thanks for watching. Please subscribe / follow and share with someone who you think will benefit from this episode.

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Hi, I'm Eve Menezes Cunningham and you're listening to episode 68 of the Feel Better Every Day Podcast. Every Tuesday I share trauma-informed and ADHD-friendly self-care ideas to help you take better care of yourself and your Self with that uppercase S, that highest, wisest, truest, wildest, most joyful, brilliant and miraculous part of yourself to help you create a life you don't need to retreat from.

You can find out more at the feelbettereverydaypodcast.com and you can get deeper dives by joining the Sole to Soul Circle as well as bonus interviews, practices, rituals and access to a rich archive including the entire Love Your Whole Self chakra journey.

You can also access resources via the book 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-care Ideas and all the book bonus videos and whether you have the book or not and lots of other resources at selfcarecoaching.net.

Today's episode was inspired by an interview I recently did for BACP's website and the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.

They were exploring some of the NHS's recent findings around mental health to coincide with the launch of their 10-year plan and one in four people have reported feeling suicidal at some point over their lifetime.

Unfortunately from my experience and from like my lived experience and my professional experience this feels like under-reporting and there's so much going on in the world that has so many people stretched so thin not to mention, I don't want to list all the things that might make you feel worse, feel better every day, but unfortunately way too many people do feel suicidal and have felt suicidal.

Myself, I used to feel suicidal a lot throughout my childhood and teens and into my 20s but because I tried when I was 14 and thankfully I didn't succeed I'm always grateful for that because long before I learned how to teach mindfulness it gave me that visceral experience of being grateful that my actions hadn't been irreversible and now with what I understand about trauma recovery and ADHD and impulsivity who would have thought it would take until nearly 50 to find out I was impulsive but thinking it used to really scare me growing up. How it could feel so desperate and like it was the only way out and I was so lucky in many, many ways. I had a good life in many, many ways but that was a default well-worn neural pathway loop that I would regularly go down and it terrified me that something done so quickly could be it forever.

And I don't know what the answer is because there aren't enough resources for the people who I was going to say have the courage to seek support. Everyone has courage. It's not just about seeking support. It can be heartbreaking to hear about people who have gone to their GPs and been turned away and it takes so much to reach out, I always feel terrible when I can't help someone who is reaching out wanting me to work with them one-to-one because I'm in private practice I can't work with everyone who gets in touch with me.

I really wish that in Ireland and in the UK we had better safety nets in place, better supports to refer people on to, but at the same time I think that there is awareness. I think what they're saying they plan to do in terms of additional resources it's moving hopefully in the right direction but thinking like there's never really any exploration of systemic causes and how people feel about for example the climate catastrophe about what's going on in the world and how that can exacerbate feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

And I guess for the Feel… element of the Feel… Love… Heal… framework, it's too easy to say, “Talk to someone! Reach out! Let someone know you're suffering!” Because when you're suffering like that, that's the last thing you want to do.

It can feel utterly impossible to voice it. It can feel melodramatic. It can feel not enough. It can feel terrifying and like fear of rejection. There are all sorts of things that can get in the way and there aren't enough supports in place. There is in Ireland there's Pieta House. You can reach out there. There are the Samaritans in most places.

But people need to know that they are WORTHY. People need to know that however you're feeling, you deserve help. And unfortunately, when we're feeling like that, we don't believe that we deserve help. We feel like we're too much. We feel like we're too much trouble and there's no point and it's never going to change.

For the Feel… element of the Feel… Love… Heal… framework, today, this is nowhere near enough but I would firstly advise you to reach out. Co-regulate. Talk to a human who you trust and if you have someone you know in real life wonderful and really know that they would much rather hear from you and be able to help you than to find out later that you were struggling and couldn't for whatever reason reach out to them. And if you don't have someone you know, use one of the organisations or find a therapist.

I'm so aware so many people can help you but if the first person you try or the first few people you try can't take you on that doesn't mean that NO one can. You deserve all the care and support available. You deserve way more than what's available. So number one reach out talk to your GP. Go to A&E. Use one of the helplines. Know that you are worthy.

Know that you deserve not just to live but you deserve a joy-filled life. A life filled with purpose and meaning and all good things. This might sound ridiculous but if you are struggling to reach out to someone, you can use your body and your breath to give you even the tiniest of boosts.

I'm not saying that a yoga pose is going to save your life but it can be a way to get out of those ruminating suicidal thoughts, coming into a pose like Sphinx or Warrior II or Triangle or something that's open. Bridge, Little Bridge pose, Wheel anything that's open-hearted.

Anything that's expansive. It's going to help lift your mood using the vagus nerve: 80% of the signals go up from the body to the brain and then cascade down. You’ve probably heard me talk many, many times about calming the nervous system. In this case we're talking about lifting it but in an empowering way so there are videos that you can access through selfcarecoaching.net/book if you'd like to explore some of those heart opening expansive poses that might help you feel better.

But even if you're able to just move in a slightly different way, I know this sounds like, “I feel suicidal and you're suggesting YOGA?”

It might sound obnoxious. It might sound offensive and we really can change our physiology, we can change our lives by moving differently. Give it a try.

But most importantly, we move into the Love… element and the acceptance element. And it's not about accepting that you're never going to feel better. It's not about accepting terrible things. It's about accepting that, right now, you're feeling really low. Or perhaps a loved one is feeling really low. And it's really hard to deal with.

Just working with the Love archetype in psychosynthesis terms, so that really nourishing, supportive acceptance. That not trying to change anything, that just allowing yourself to sit with your feelings. Allowing yourself to not be rushing to regulate (if it's bearable enough).

Or if someone is talking to you, making sure that you're able to be a container for them and letting them talk rather than trying to interrupt and tell them it's all going to be OK when they don't believe it's going to be OK. Connect with that Love archetype and know that while life can be incredibly painful it can also be incredibly joyful.

The more we work with the full emotional landscape, yes there'll be terrible times but also so many amazing times. It might feel like a bit of a fairy tale to ever imagine feeling like you will feel worthy and lovable and deserving of the supports you need. Even if they feel too big. Know that help is out there. Know that better days are ahead for you. Just notice how you feel when you stop fighting how you're feeling.

Definitely not acting on it, but just accept the fact, just for a moment, that you feel so bad, you’re having thoughts that could end your life. Recognising how painful that is. And ask yourself, “What would a person who loved themselves do?” or “What would a person who didn't hate themselves do?” And begin to act in those ways.

But if you're lucky enough to have people around you but even if you are lucky enough I mean some people don't have support systems some people do have support systems and it can still feel like they're a million miles away even if they're in the same house so it's really giving yourself as much grace and as much love and as much support and acceptance as possible.

That will help the feelings to dissolve to shift. You'll begin to recognise your resources and that things are temporary. Everything is temporary.

And we move into the Heal… element. I know for me this was probably what helped me the most when I was much younger: It was my potentially grandiose hopes of what I could potentially do to help make the world a better place if I could get through not wanting to be alive so much of the time.

I want you to think for yourself, what kind of world would make your heart sing? When you look around, when you watch the news, when you feel your heart sink the whole time, when it feels like despair, when it feels like just so depressing and so overwhelming let yourself imagine improvements.

Let yourself imagine utopias, let yourself imagine things going well things healing. And oddly I’ve been back and forth to the hospital every day the past several days [at time of recording].

A loved one’s in hospital and it's really kind of reminded me of what I tell people the whole time: We see on the news all the really depressing horror stories but most people are really caring. Most people are generous and kind, in spite of their suffering, in spite of their struggles. They'll hold doors open for people. There's so much kindness and so much grace around.

If you were to imagine a future version of yourself, healed and whole and contributing not only to an amazing life for yourself but for loved ones, for your communities, for your organisations and for the world at large.

What energises you? Not in an, “Oh” some hopeless sort of way, but in a beginning to create a bit of a spark. In terms of you would like to really be part of. That solution. The last thing I want to do is overwhelm you.

You're having suicidal thoughts and now I'm saying, “Save the world! Help save the world!” But let yourself be moved by what's naturally and organically happening for you rather than trying to not watch the news or trying to deny things that are upsetting you.

Open your heart to the world in a grounded and protected way. Think about the kinds of solutions that would make your heart sing. Singing for joy. Let yourself dream a life for yourself and for your communities and for the world that empowers you. And that potentially keeps you going through tough times.

In the Circle, we're going to be exploring some of the ways in which we can support other people and also exploring a bit more. It's something I ask every new client: If they've ever thought about suicide. And it's something, like these findings show, way more people than you might have thought have thought about it. Have seriously considered it. So in the Circle, we're going to be talking about that some more. You can join at evemc.substack.com and you can find lots of resources at selfcarecoaching.net to ground this episode.

I’d love if you can take a few moments to grab your journal or just a pen paper. You can use loo roll and biro and flush it down the loo safely if you don't want anyone reading it. Or burn it safely. But let yourself connect if you have the bandwidth now. If you have the headspace now. If it's practical for you today.

You don't want to go really deep and then have to function joyfully and not be there but when you get a chance, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe right now, let yourself connect with some of your heaviest times.

Some of the times where you felt most hopeless and helpless and overwhelmed. Send some love back to yourself, Younger You. And if there are people in your life who you're worried about now, spend a bit of time sending them love energetically. You can use one of the Metta meditations (you can use the search tool on my website. There are plenty there. Or you can Google. There are many by other people as well but give yourself a moment or a few minutes to recognise that so many people are suffering and it actually doesn't take much to help create a ripple effect that could potentially save a life.

I was talking to someone recently about a film that was marketed as a rom-com where a woman saved a man's life. I think it was a bridge in Dublin. He was going to jump off and she forced him to stay with her until he felt better. Like she was basically appointing herself to keep him alive and it was like, “Oh my god/dess. If someone is determined there's nothing anyone can do. And the idea of having that kind of responsibility and that guilt. I always think of Jamie Raskin, the American politician who led the second impeachment of Donald Trump. His son had sadly died by suicide on New Year's Eve six days before the insurrection. And Jamie Raskin wrote this beautiful book Unthinkable honouring his son's amazing sounding life and ongoing struggles with mental health and also talking about what was happening with the country that he loved (and of course things have got so much worse there since he wrote it but I'm a barrel of laughs, aren't I? Am a ray of sunshine! But it's a beautiful meditation on a loved one's experience of his son's suicide and more).

Think about what would help you most in this moment. And think about who you would like to talk to and how you would like to talk to them. And even if you're not able to actually do it, give yourself permission to imagine it.

Let me know how you're doing. You can email me. You can comment on any of my platforms wherever you're seeing this.

And thank you for listening. I look forward to sharing more next week and this episode like all episodes so far was produced by me, your host, Eve Menezes Cunningham. Look after yourself know that you're not alone and that whatever it is you're struggling with, you are so much more than that. And you will get through this. You can get through this.