Facing your finances IS self care (+ KERIS STAINTON interview)
This week's focus is personal power. Delving deep into our fears can be empowering. Stepping into our power- driving, using power tools or sorting finances - can be terrifying AND liberating...
Driving
At the grand young age of 47, I’ve been learning to drive. I passed my theory test last October and started learning how to actual drive the potentially lethal weapon (my beautiful Skoda CitiGo, Beatrice Lobster - because, even as a learner, the world has become my lobster) in January.
I am having a lot of fun with it AND have to constantly override the part of my brain that fears harming someone or something each time I turn on the ignition. That somehow, such power in my hands is dangerous.
In Ireland, people call starting the car ‘taking off’ and it really FEELS dramatic (even as I’ve gained way more control and haven’t driven up a hedge since January) and it’s an incredible experience.
I’m making my Sankalpa (a positive intention or resolve we use in Yoga Nidras to help us harness the power of our unconscious minds) a reality as ‘I’m becoming an excellent driver.’
Yes, I am nowhere near yet but am way beyond where I ever expected to get.
While driving to Castlebar (in good weather and daylight) for the first time yesterday was expanding my comfort zone, I want to become the kind of driver who thinks nothing of driving in Goa or Rome (OK, am scaring myself again, here. Even being a pedestrian there is terrifying) or driving in the dark, lashing rain and even snow.
Part of the huge delay in my learning (apart from the fear of motorised vehicles leaving the road and landing on people) was the assumption that I wouldn’t be able to afford it.
But just as I’m learning step by step, I now know I’ll figure out the finances when I need to (and I’ve already started! I never dreamed I’d have my own car!)
Power tools
As someone who doesn’t own a hairdryer and who flees public toilets when others turn on hand dryers, I still can’t believe that after nearly four years of feeling completely overwhelmed by my field and garden, I just bought (and USED!) a strimmer.
A PETROL strimmer!
The field I’ve been rewilding is magnificent but especially now I’m offering outdoor, nature based supervision, trauma therapy and self care coaching sessions again, needed more of a pathway up to the bench.
Loved ones had been telling me I should get one for YEARS but I couldn’t imagine it.
As it turned out, just as I’m having FUN driving (as well as remaining scared a lot of the time. Good job I have all my self care tools for anxiety to help me), I felt like the Hulk or something as I made much faster progress with Beasty McBeastface (my strimmer) than I ever have weeding by hand.
I’ll practice so it gets less scary and more manageable but am standing taller even as I sit down writing this.
I never DREAMED I could do something that so many others consider so simple.
And thinking of loved ones (who’ve been soaked by wading through the long grass in the past) and other visitors enabled me to get over myself and DO IT.
It’s empowering.
As is facing our finances
I spent HOURS surrounded by bills (or ‘blessings already received’ as Money, A Love Story author Kate Northrup encourages us to call them), receipts and spreadsheets the other week.
Just as with the driving, there’s something deeply empowering about actually figuring out where I can improve my approach.
I’ve been running my own businesses (writing and my practice) since 2004 and every year, even though I’ve done my own bookkeeping, the ‘verdict’ from my accountant on how much tax I owe (and having had years where I didn’t earn enough to PAY tax, I consider paying tax a privilege) has scared me.
I’ve never known.
Because I’ve gone deeper this year (and sorted out my first pension since leaving a final salary scheme job one in 2004), I now have a far better idea of my actual PROFITS than I have in nearly 20 years.
Sorting our finances, really getting a handle on what we’re bringing in and spending and looking at ways to use the power of money to not only benefit ourselves but loved ones and the world is an incredible act of self care.
Keris Stainton and her openness and honesty has been inspiring me for years and years and I hope her insights about finances and self care help you
Keris Stainton is an author and the founder of The Ladybird Purse
What made you open up about your financial journey?
I got divorced (in 2020, by email) after 24 years of marriage. I was out on my own for the first time. I’d always had a tricky relationship with money, but having to find and finance a home for me and my two boys brought it all into sharp relief. I realised I’d better, finally, sort myself out. I'm still working on it...
You’re brilliant at being open and inspiring. Does that come easily to you?
Thank you. And I think so! I’ve described myself as a human Reddit AMA [ask me anything] in the past. I’m happy to tell anyone anything at all.
I don’t know about inspiring since I feel like I’m flailing most of the time, but I think people tend to find authenticity inspiring so maybe that helps.
What do you know now, about financial self care, that you wish you’d known much earlier?
For me, I don't think it's really about knowing things. I've read so many books about money and finances over the years and it hasn't made any difference, I've made the same mistakes over and over.
Recently I had a realisation that if I want money for the future (say, a holiday with my kids) then it's better if I don't spend so much now.
That is blindingly obvious and of course I knew it intellectually, have surely known it for years and years, but I didn't actually feel it until very recently.
My friend Sophie gave me the best definition of self-care a while ago.
She said that actual self-care is doing the annoying stuff that you don’t really want to do now, in order to give future you gifts, such as peace of mind, time, and rest. And obviously that works for money too. It’s still hard though because I’m terrible at delayed gratification.
I ADORE that definition of self care! When you imagine Future Keris, an inspiration to many and comfortable with your own finances, what do you see/hear/feel etc? How will you KNOW you’ve healed your relationship with money?
This is such an interesting question.
On the one hand, I've healed part of my relationship with money already.
I used to worry and stress so much and nothing was ever enough - I was always coming from a place of lack.
Over the past few years, a few things have helped me get over that: getting divorced and being responsible for myself; flying around the world to see Harry Styles (no, really); and writing my newsletter.
Now, I feel like I have an abundant mindset... the problem is I don't have the money to go with it and I'm still trying to work out how to fix that.
A couple of times in the past, I've come into a chunk of money - once from an inheritance and then from the proceeds of our house - and I've been able to really enjoy it.
I remember the feeling of relaxation, of taking my boys places, of going out for dinner, of buying a book I want full price rather than waiting for a 99p Kindle deal.
I know from experience how much better and easier and more fun my life is when I have enough money.
What I haven't had at the same time is both the money and the abundant mindset. That's what I want. That's what I'm working towards.
Who are your biggest ‘good with money’ role models?
One of my favourite interviewees for the newsletter was Lynette Reed. Not necessarily because she's good with money - she's been a millionaire, but she's also been bankrupt - I just find her attitude so inspiring.
She's also the only person I've spoken to who flat out said "I love money."
What top tip/s do you have for readers of Self Care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing??
Every morning I watch an episode of Pointless while I use my weighted hula-hoop. I really love it and I've definitely noticed my lower back doesn't ache as much and even my knees are less creaky.
I’ve also started trying to eat 30 different fruits and vegetables each week - I keep a note on my phone and I get overexcited when I think of one I haven’t had yet (have you ever seen anyone shriek with glee at the sight of a parsnip?) and I’m definitely feeling (and pooing) much better.
Yes, I felt like I’d won the Lotto when my compost heap created Actual Compost and potatoes I’d planted grew into potatoes! And parsnips revolutionised my vegan soups so hold a special place in my heart. Excellent! Good digestion is SO important for embodied wellbeing and mental health. How do you feel, in your body, when you’re making better decisions around money?
It's a feeling of relief and calm. I've noticed recently that sometimes even trying to decide whether to buy something or not can be stressful.
Tensely scrolling through booking.com and then thinking "Maybe just don't go?" RELIEF.
I definitely feel like sometimes I should be paying for or buying something I don’t actually want or need. I'm getting better at catching that and stopping myself.
Physically, my shoulders are broadly where they're meant to be, rather than around my ears.
How do you feel, including in your body, when old patterns hook you back in?
My anxiety lives in my stomach and neck/shoulders but also there’s just a general tension. Emotionally, it’s disappointment and a smidge of shame, but even that’s getting better because I know I’m trying.
Also, the newsletter has shown me that I’m far from alone in any of this, which helps.
What helps you get back on track?
Having my two sons really helps me. I want to take them places and show them the world.
I can trace a lot of my effed up money stuff back to my parents, so I really want to set my boys a good example. (Currently the eldest has more money in the bank than I do.)
Thanks a million, Keris!
How might you amp up your power this week?
I’ve just paused writing this to grab the power cord. While I’m at it, I’m recharging my phone.
Resting, recharging, replenishing and nourishing ourselves is essential.
It’s also an ideal space to reflect and journal from:
When you imagine yourself feeling rested and recharged, what are you excited to unleash your personal power on?
How do you feel about your finances?
Do you recognise that this is an element of your self and Self care?
Connecting with your highest, wisest, truest, wildest, most brilliant and miraculous self can empower you to make healthier financial choices!
Write a paragraph or two (or more!) from Future Financially Empowered You and connect with the life you’re creating from a relaxed, trusting and knowing space.
Read it back.
What surprises you?
What can you start doing differently today to honour this new insight?
What about your driving and power tool equivalent? What have you always considered scarily powerful and denied yourself?
Maybe you want to start your own business but can’t imagine that?
Again, let yourself write as if you already have all you want.
You know, with every fibre of your being, that you deserve good things and that YOU having good things means you’re in a position to DO more good with any wealth and other resources!
How does it feel to imagine this way of living?
How are you ready to upgrade your life by stepping more and more into your power?
How has Keris and her honesty inspired you? (If you haven’t already subscribed to The Ladybird Purse, I recommend it!).
What resonates most for you?
If you want to go deeper, see which of the 6 ways to empower yourself right now appeal to you today.
And this week, the Personal Peace online membership includes a unique Yoga Nidra to support your conscious and unconscious movement towards financial empowerment)
Ultimately, YOU know what’s best for you in any given situation
It’s about giving your Self that time and space and attention and then acting on what you already know. I hope you found this helpful and welcome your comments and questions.
with love,
Eve
© Eve Menezes Cunningham 2023.
I’m the author of 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing (2017) and I run Feel Better Every Day with Eve Menezes Cunningham (trauma informed therapies, self care coaching and supervision) and the Personal Peace online membership - I read all emails (eve@selfcarecoaching.net) so please do get in touch with any comments / questions even if you don’t want to comment publicly